By any cleaner now or past.

Mom is one great hot improver

Of her own great spot remover.

It can never be denied!

A spot has not a chance to hide!

No blood nor grass nor ink’s too stout

For Mom to cut the crud right out!

Mom, the dazzling, cleaning wizard,

Does miracles ….. with her scissors.

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And took ol’ Unc’s toupee away.

Embarrassed was he by the sight

Of his “rug” tugged up in flight!

O’er and o’er it soared again!

Her thinking cap Mom donned and then

To hold it fast she found a way.

Hooray for Mom! She saved the day!

When harried hairpiece tried to sail,

Mom bound it down ….. with a nice nail.

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A gent’s great amorous intent,

She tells him, “”Take this drop and when

It all dissolves we will begin.”

The lozenge lodges for three days

And yet will not dissolve away.

If he sucked ‘til his head collapsed,

Yet would the lozenge lodge there fast.

How’s Mom thus this lust disruptin’?

The poor schmuck sucks …. on a button.

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When you stand in line all of the time at the grocery stores,

You read about those folks from out from far beyond the stars

Who fly down here to take from here a specimen out.

They always pick up a Yahoo from the South.

Why do they pick up a Yahoo from the South,

A goofy goober uglier than sin turned inside out?

He always has a key-chain thing on a roller danglin’ down

With a great big gob of keys almost draggin’ on the ground.

His toothless grin you view within that tabloid tellin’ ‘bout

How they picked up a Yahoo from the South.

Those aliens don’t grab a Gus from the Eastern Shore

And they don’t come for a beach bum in Californior.

Not one iota, do, Minnesota, they check the heck out.

They always pick up a Yahoo from the South.

Why do they pick up a Yahoo from the South,

A goofy goober uglier than sin turned inside out?

He always has a key-chain thing on a roller danglin’ down

With a great big gob of keys almost draggin’ on the ground.

His toothless grin you view within that tabloid tellin’ ‘bout

How they picked up a Yahoo from the South.

So long ago, their king, Zeno, took away their keys.

Now their life’s filled with the strife of key deficiency.

That’s why a clown, who’s loaded down with keys, they try to find.

It is a Close Encounter of the Moronic Kind.

That’s why they pick up a Yahoo from the South,

A goofy goober uglier than sin turned inside out.

They have to have that key-chain thing on a roller danglin’ down.

They gotta get that gob of keys almost draggin’ on the ground.

That toothless grin, these aliens are always seeking out

So they can pick up a Yahoo from the South.

They always pick up a Yahoo from the South.

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I in a fog,

Were sleeping on the couch.

The cat would snarl

When Rascal snored.

That cat was such a crouch!

And down the hall

There rolled a ball

With the hamster in it.

This plastic sphere

From here to there

Conveyed the small guy in it.

Normality,

Banality,

Thus ruled and reigned that day.

The semi-rat,

The dog, the cat,

Just rolled …… and slept away.

Television

Brought the wisdom

Of the “A-Team” alive.

A large flame thrower,

From a lawnmower!!!!!!,

These four guys brought to life!

Through bleary eyes

I watched these guys

Contrive the great contraption

That saved the day,

Took not away,

One life ‘midst all the action!

There was a bang

That I knew came

Not from the TV show!

Reality,

Not Mister T,

Had put on its own show!

The cat, the dog,

I, in my fog,

Knew not from whence it came.

The semi-rat

Hot on the track

Rolled to the source of “BANG!”

So down the hall

The plastic ball

We followed to the blast.

The hamster blazed

The trail that day.

We rushed there oh so fast!

In the kitchen,

My two children,

My nephews, and my nieces,

Had sought to heat

Something to eat

And blew the place to pieces!

For they had turned

A burner on,

No one realizing,

An unopened can

Right there was upon

The burner, with flame arising.

And as they laughed

And talked and passed

Their merry time away,

The contents did

The swelling bit

And blew the lid away!

It was a quirk

That none were hurt,

Though covered with some crud,

And we were glad

That none there had

Been covered with some blood!

The metal lid

Was deep within

The wall, up near the ceiling

And all the junk,

The can’s white gunk,

Had covered walls and children!

Here, of late,

I contemplate

This comical explosion

With gratitude

And attitude

Of worship-filled emotion.

Though things were hard,

I thank the Lord

For the … one … violent … commotion

My kids e’er saw there came about

When a can of SAUERKRAUT

Caused the Great Explosion.

My wife was disturbin’ my football-watching plans

By the hustlin’, bustlin’ of her noisy cleanin’.

I got her rapt attention and asked her to acquire

Some more consideration for all of my desires.

I think it was a left hook or a meat hook that she used.

For when I woke, my hair smoked. My giant brain was bruised.

Some funny, foggy notions then soon gotta hold of me

And our hairy hamster Harry then began to sing to me.

(Helium on vocal cords modification begins here.)

Yo’ wife is not yo’ Momma, so get up off yo’ can!

Get up off yo’ can! Can you get up off yo’ can?

Yo’ wife is not yo’ Momma, so get up off yo’ can!

Man, can you get up off yo’ can and be a man?

You complain her brain is lacking and claim you’re sharper than a tack,

But if you blew your nose real hard, your head would just collapse.

You have her hustlin’ ‘round you waitin’ on you hand and foot

While you are just a’ restin’ on your great big ugly butt.

If you had the brain cells that could add up to just two,

You could bang the two together to get a spark to think it through.

And then you might just cogitate what’s great there in your wife

And see her as the gift that God has given to your life.

Yo’ wife is not yo’ Momma, so get up off yo’ can!

Get up off yo’ can! Can you get up off yo’ can?

Yo’ wife is not yo’ Momma, so get up off yo’ can.

Man, can you get up off yo’ can and be a man?

(Helium-like modification ends here.)

At first it all got to me, all the things he had to say.

But then I thought, “What would a rat know about it anyway?”

It was in a minute that an ice-cold brew was found.

I drank it as a way to wash my hamster sandwich down.

I fell asleep and dreamed a hamster larger than a house.

The hamster licked his chops and saw me smaller than a mouse.

The hamster spread his mustard, his knife larger than a door,

On his bread that was much larger than my bedroom floor.

(Deep booming voice begins here.)

Yo’ wife is not yo’ Momma, so get up off yo’ can!

Get up off yo’ can! Can you get up off yo’ can?

Yo’ wife is not yo’ Momma, so get up off yo’ can!

Man, can you get up off yo’ can and be a man?

Get up off yo’ can! Be a man!

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The dog catcher

Chases dog.

The dog, he chases cat.

The cat, we know,

Chases bird

To get herself a snack.

In the rhythm of the universe, we expect a pecking order:

A, B, C, D…… ,

Bird, Cat, Dog, Me!

Thus we trust to find the state,

The corny, ordinary fate,

Of life without disorder.

My dog chased a man.

The cat then

Chased canine.

A bird, you see,

Chased the three,

The sight could blow your mind!

The tale I tell

Is not a tale

That I tell you lightly.

I would oft walk

With my good dog

Following me nightly.

I had him on a leash and he poked at ease behind.

A cat would go

Behind him so

That folks would gawk

As the cat stalked,

The three of us in line.

This deranged sight

Was strange alright,

But got much weirder yet.

A bird would fly

Behind to try

To bomb and strafe the cat!

So came the man.

Then came the dog,

Behind him came the cat.

Then the blue bird

By fear disturbed

Attacked the cat’s black back.

The four of us

Had brought then thus

Chaos and disorder,

For we had cursed

And quite reversed

The innate state of order.

Away I’d shoo

The blue bird too

Protect the gentle cat,

But from one side,

Then t’other side,

The bird would still attack.

“She will grow tired.

You’ll irk her ire!”

I told the blue marauder.

“One day she’ll pounce

And you she’ll trounce

To terminate your torture!”

It seemed the bird

Had just not heard.

I could not get through to her.

Then one morning

With the dawning

I found some bright blue feathers.

The bird had somehow disappeared for ne’er again I saw her!

And there she sat,

The happy cat,

In celebration

Of restoration

Of the natural order.

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Theology is lost on me. A holy thought I’ve never known.

Yet I know one truth is so: God don’t like mobile homes.

Just why He is so angry may be never ever known.

One truth we know is surely so: God don’t like mobile homes!

God don’t like mobile homes!

With tornadoes He goes bowlin’.

In a moment they’re all gone!

And how His strikes they are a’ rollin’

And wow His spares are never blown!

Billy Graham, the Pope, and we all know: God don’t like mobile homes!

“You angels keep a’ watchin’ as this twister hits down there.

I left those two on purpose so you could see Me get the spare.”

Just why He is so angry may be never ever known.

One truth we know is surely so: God don’t like mobile homes!

God don’t like mobile homes!

He is a Holy Roller.

In a moment, swoosh, they’re gone!

He lets out a Holy holler,

A Kansas house is tossed to Gnome!

Ask Benny Hinn, all holy men: God don’t like mobile homes!

A seminary’s scary, but one day I went to see

If a luminary there just might enlighten me.

I asked an old preacher, “Teacher, tell the greatest mystery you’ve known.”

He said, “My son, ’tis just this one: GOD DON’T LIKE MOBILE HOMES!”

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The old man was ramblin’ on, a whiskey in his hand.

“Partner, I have partied hard since my life first began.”

He had a cigar and a racing form and a twentysomethin’ on each knee.

“My hearin’ and my hair are gone, but how much better could my life be?”

Lord, now to thee, oh how I plea, grant the sweet senility

To forget the folks that You know I hope to never ever see!

May the good fortune come to run into the ones that I want to bump into?

And might I have the eyesight to tell the difference too?

“It’s true I too have wrinkled on up and shrunk on down some,

But I never once was dumb enough to be under anyone’s thumb.

I’m still a’ runnin’ and a’ gunnin’, a’ blowin’ and a’ goin’ strong.

And I never put up with them preacher pups tellin’ me I was wrong.”

Lord, now to thee, oh how I plea, grant the sweet senility

To forget the folks that You know I hope to never ever see!

May the good fortune come to run into the ones that I want to bump into?

And might I have the eyesight to tell the difference too?

The old man reeked and down his cheeks dripped tobacco chew.

He looked a lot like lizard gizzard in a pot of prune juice stewed.

I said,” Old sire, might I inquire, what age you have reached up to?”

Oh so loudly now he so proudly howled, “I AM TWENTY TWO!”

Lord, now to thee, oh how I plea, grant the sweet senility

To forget the folks that You know I hope to never ever see!

May the good fortune come to run into the ones that I want to bump into?

And might I have the eyesight to tell the difference too?

My wife had a good friend

Whose hopes were hooked to MLM.

“In all of God’s Terra Firma

There is nought but Aloe Vera

That will repair your crummy health

And capture yummy tons of wealth!”

Down where “the sun don’t shine”

An insane pain of mine

Caused such wincing desperation

That I, tense with trepidation,

Applied this magic cure to this

Afflicted, tortured orifice.

This warning I make known:

Do not try this at home!

It’s better to suffer, scream, moan,

Cuss, fuss, fume, grumble, and groan

With hemorrhoids than have there a

Place sealed up with Aloe Vera.

From the emergency room,

Laughter emerged and boomed!

“Do I see what I think I see

Where an opening used to be?

There’s young, smooth, brand new baby flesh!

And Aloe Vera did all this?”

In the hospital, there I,

On my stomach, would lie

And there just wonder how it is

That something good could come of this?

Then I, with flash of inspiration,

Found a way to bless the nation!

We will start first here in the South

A ministry called “Shut My Mouth!”

We will, of course, take donations

To serve those who serve the nation.

All politicians shall receive

All of the lip balm that they need.

When Aloe Vera seals up all their traps,

We the People will take the nation back!

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